Be ye fairly warned, this is a fairly emo-sounding post. Just thought I’d get that outta the way. Skip ahead a few paragraphs to read the other junk.
I hate being a jackass. I feel like a jackass for never following my own advice that I peddle out. It’s like I can spout it to whoever I can just so I sound cool, but in the end I never follow through myself. Guess that shows I’m not one of those lead-by-example types. Anyway, I’m sidetracking again… I like to tell people, never hold it in, if you have something on your chest feel free to tell me and I’ll always listen. Now that I think about it though, a lot of people have told me the same thing too. By making this post I’m betraying that. Sorry everyone, I’m not the direct type (another excuse for weakness). Well, let’s move to the main topic shall we.
I’m something of a hopeless romantic. I often find myself fantasizing what it would be like to have that ideal girlfriend, i.e. that thing that doesn’t exist. Of course, no one I meet actually measures up to that idea fantasy, but I have met a few out there who came really fucking close, and you know what? I still blew it. Well, that’s not true… more like I never gave myself the chance. If you notice the title of the post I’m referring to one girl I knew in high school and the other being my co-worker.
We’ll start with the high school one I guess. Long story short, she probably would have said yes if I asked her out, but I never did. We had a close relationship that was akin to that of siblings. Helped eachother through tough times and whatnot. I specificly remember that one night in the parking lot of the bowling alley. (back in HS we would go to the midnight bowl on Friday nights) For some reason beyond me I was chasing after the drama-queen in our clique. Me and my friend were out in the lot talking, she told me how drama-queen (of course she didn’t say that but I don’t really wanna give out names) had a bad history with guys, and she really needed just a good guy who can be there for her and take care of her, “someone like you.” I was too fucking stupid at the time to realize that was how she saw me. After high school we all hung out a few times, but me being who I am eventually just lost contact with everyone. Jump ahead to last year. I run into her at work, she’s engaged. I couldn’t bring myself to attend the wedding. Cowardice, nothing more, nothing less. I don’t remember when exactly I realized how I felt about her but it’s one of those “never realize how important she is till she’s gone” type of situations.
Thus history does repeat. This time though, it’s a bit less complex of a situation, quite simple in fact. My co-worker goes to college in Oregon, I attend here in Washington. If I remember right this’ll be her second year, (she comes back home to work for the money). She works during the summer and around Thanksgiving. True, I’ll get to see her again in a few months but ehh. I’ve already learned that I’m rubbish in terms of long-distance relationships so I can’t ask her out. Well, actually it’s just that yellow belly thing again. I’m just afraid it’ll break. her last day at work for the summer was yesterday err Sunday rather. I had more then enough opportunities to at least tell her how I feel but I never did. She’ll probably find a bf in Oregon if she hasn’t already and next summer she’s going to Europe. So much for a “next time I’ll tell her”. I hate being weak.
Why’d I post this? I don’t know. Maybe I wanted to ease some of the weight I feel. Maybe I wanted to clear my head a bit before classes start. Do I want someone to help me, or do I want to deal with it alone… fuck if I know lol.
/end-emo-post
Kay, I’ll admit I feel a little better after that. Now then…
Well first off last week I went and picked my classes, I did freaking amazing on the reading/writing assessment, so I got placed into english 101. Math…. err… see the blog ring I belong to concerning asians and math hehe. Aside from english, I am dedicated to learning japanese so I went with japanese 101 too. My classes fall M-Th night M/W being english and T/Th japanese. I’m excited, no denying that. Now we’ll see what a few years out of school has done to me haha.
I just noticed how freakishly long this post has become @_@
At work, I’ve been spacing out thinking about a potential little story to write about my characters in Tabula Rasa. It mostly circulates around my female character (why do I think of cool stories for females, I find that kinda weird). In my head at least, it’s coming along well and I’ll post a version as soon as I organize my thoughts… (anytime between 1 week and 1 decade) I think I’m done for now.
~D out
