Figures. Of course she’s going out with him now. Fuck. This is going to make it awkward to get my books back.

Christ, I can’t believe I’m reduced to writing in this thing. It’s mostly my own fault for not actually seeking someone else to talk to though. Crying for help on Face/Twit doesn’t amount to anything but helpful words and advice. I’m just not in the right state of mind to accept any of it right now. Still though, I chucked down the $$ for a lifetime account so I better make use of it once and awhile at least.

It started out well enough, we were both kind of hesitant but hell, we ended up making out the first day we met face to face. We talked online for about a week before we actually decided to meet and after that, it just seemed like nothing could stop us. I imagine that’s how it always starts though. Not to say I haven’t had a relationship before, but this one was different in that: A) it wasn’t online and B) it was mutual, none of this unrequited love nonsense. And I suppose C) we were both mature. Up till now I’ve never really had a serious relationship… if you could call it serious.

Augh, my mind is racing with things to say now.

We laughed, we had fun, we did this and that. We had a great deal of mutual respect for each other and we seemed to work through things fairly well. If there was a hiccup I’d say it was my inability to really talk things out about… well… anything until later when I’ve leveled out my head. It’s a bad habit of mine to keep too much to myself. That was one of the reasons I was given as to why she left. There’s other reasons, of course, but I’ll get to that.

*brain fart*

It’s only been two days since the break. I feel like I should be used to it by now. Problem with the way I do things is that I’m what my friend coined as, a serial monogamist. I’ve always approached love with a, “Give it your all, or nothing at all” attitude. Which leads me to coming on too heavy too quickly. In my defense though, she kissed me first and not the other way around. Part of that is what got me in this mess in the first place though. I used my favorite line from a manga, “forever and a day” and at first it was just charming and lovely but after awhile it started to dawn on her what it really meant. I think I scared her by making her think about forever. True, her mom always drilled into her with, “DON’T GET MARRIED AND DON’T HAVE CHILDREN” but I can’t blame her mom for that.

Is that what I wanted? Maybe. Probably. We always joked about having a “practical” wedding where we’d reap the benefits of gifts in order to avoid paying for a $50 pan. That was the day we were wandering through the home section picking colors for rooms. The bedroom was going to be blue/white, kitchen red/black, bathroom gold/green and the living room would have been whatever we wanted it to be because it was going to be a mix of all the different stuff. We talked about moving in together a little too early now that I think of it. I think I only mentioned it once to my parents and then it spread out to the rest of the family. It was at a recent family function (Father’s Day) but they all came to me and asked, “When are you going to bring her? When are you two moving in?” At the time it was nice to think about. My family wanted to learn more about her and they were excited for my sake. It’s a nice feeling. The reality of the situation was that we had talked about it a few times and I had browsed a bit on Rent.com but the sad truth is we had no real plans. It was regarded with a “someday” air.

That was another thing that bugged her. I never seem to grow and move forward. True, I’m going at a pace in life a lot slower than some most of my peers. That’s not to say I’m not making any progress though. True, I recently changed my program of study… AGAIN. At least this time though it’s for something worthwhile and not a wishy-washy looking towards the future with burning eyes major (sorry to all the unemployed Lib A students out there) This is where I get to say it’s not completely my fault though. I’m making progress, I’m moving forward but it felt like she couldn’t see that. I’m not a huge change guy. I mentioned this to her before, but she wants too much too quickly. While that’s how I feel about it, I can’t help but feel a tinge of guilt that I’ve resorted to finger pointing. I just don’t think it’s fair to have expected so much of me. 

I got help from her, yes, but I helped myself too. It wasn’t just because she had told me to do so, or because she drilled me about it numerous times. Of course I hated staying stagnant for that long. Of course I want to change. Problem is change isn’t easy. I wasn’t ready to change that fast but it’s like I was being forced into it and I don’t like it. That, and it’s not fair to say that she did all the pushing for both of us. Before I get into the realm of nasty finger pointing again I’ll just say that I’m not the only one who gets all lethargic on my days off. Change is not easy, nor is it fast. You have to think things through and weigh your options.

That’s not the only problem she had with me, of course. There were times when I made decisions too quickly. Specifically, I made choices without enough time for her brain to fully process. That was how she worded it. Yes, part of that is true. The other part is that more often than not if I asked her for an opinion or to come up with some sort of conclusion I didn’t get a straight answer. It got frustrating sometimes. It’s hypocritical on my part, but indecisiveness bothers me.

It’s not fair to say I’m incapable of discussing serious matters when I can’t even get a straight answer about some things. Especially recently when I had to very carefully pick and choose my words. I don’t like saying things that could potentially hurt others as it is, so it’s hard for me to talk about things sometimes. For whatever dumb reason, I can communicate better on a keyboard than face to face. I think I’m too used to human interaction through a screen, as pathetic as it sounds. Though after a 2 yr long relationship online and now this I think I have a legit excuse. 

We met about once or twice a week sure, but a lot of our interaction took place over msn. I deleted all the pictures, removed contacts, wiped out whatever songs that were shared, even severed contact with people I met through her. That includes family. In hindsight it was a dumb idea. My reasoning behind it being that I need to do it in order to move on or I’ll just keep poking in her life, or asking about her through her family, or secretly hoping she’ll check up on me. She won’t though. I know she won’t. I hope she doesn’t. I don’t need that false hope in my mind. All day at work I’ve been going through various fantasies of people talking to her for my sake and making her come around to realize how silly she’s been. I think my favorite of these was her showing up at my work, walking up to me, and kissing me right there in public. Shame though, PDA was never really her style, and she’s more of a talking type than big and impressive actions.

It was an idea that wasn’t her own, but she thinks a relationship should be two people who live independent of each other and co-exist in harmony without one weighing down the other. It was something to that degree, but I think I got the jist of it. I understand the concept, and on some levels I agree. I believe in a harsher reality though. Life is never that perfect; it’s not supposed to be. With no challenge there is no progress, no evolution. It’s my fault for not seeing any previous signs, but it’s her fault for not talking about them too. All of this, everything that she found wrong all came down on me within the last 4 weeks. Two weeks were spent in tentative happiness. One week was spent on ice. And the last week was spent where she decided that we needed a break and she would think for herself if this relationship was really the best thing for her.

One week of purgatory. I’m over-dramatizing this; I know I am.

Call it idle whining of a little boy who just got something he loved taken away, I just don’t think it’s fair to abruptly break it off without trying to work it out. That, or maybe we really aren’t compatible. If so, then what the fuck were those 8 months for. I don’t get it. We both did some stupid things, but I thought that this (read everything above again) was stuff that most couples go through… isn’t it? The people around me who care are trying so hard. I appreciate each and every one of them but I’m not ready to accept help yet. I can’t accept the break, how can I accept help to deal with the break?

It’s easier if I just assume it was the other guy. I never did get an appropriate response when I asked her what does he mean to her. After what happened she just wanted to be friends with him. Now that we’re not an item I wonder if his presence has anything to do with her decision. I suppose I can get all suspicious if I want to but I have good reason to do so damnit. I told him that now I can’t do so myself, that he has to make sure she’s happy. He said he would, and that he would support her. He’s still just “the other guy” to me, but I can’t hate him for at least giving me a response. I sent off a message to her dad too, something along the lines of the reason why I de-friended the entire family on Facebook and how I’m going to miss the family. No response from him, but I know he at least read it. That’s good enough for me.

All these things… I want to convey to her… but I know I can’t. It’s not fair to throw it all back in her face when she’s made her decision. Right? During my week in purgatory I told myself and I had faith that whatever choice she made that it would be what’s best for her and in her best interest. She made the right choice. I have to believe that. I’m only on my second day after the break up and I still can’t come to terms with it. I guess in the end we wanted different things out of the relationship. I think I wanted something more than a fling. I know she thought it was more than a fling too, but she didn’t want it to go any further than that, I think.

I think I’m done now. If I keep going I’ll just end up repeating myself.

Well I figured it out. I can’t talk about this with anyone face to face because if I do I just lose it. The tears aren’t stopping. Make them stop

Music helps

It’s a clock. It’s just a clock. There’s a screensaver too… but it’s just a clock.

It’s Uniqlock.

Woo, go me for having lived for 23 years.
…
…
Yea I know, it stops getting fun after 21 but meh, I can’t say no to free shit. I did, however, buy myself a birfday gift(s). I’m running new hardware on my PC now. Stats are listed on the bottom of this page. (self bump lol)

Other news… hmm… nothing hah. Age of Conan goes live for early access tomorrow I’ll be playing that. Yes, I’m still hopelessly addicted to MMO gaming. There’s a good thing to all this though. Aside from being a kickass game, I’m bringing Ticky, or rather T’kai/Tekai (duno if it’ll let me use the apostrophe name yet) back into the spotlight. It’s only natural right? Before, Ticky was a student bending magic to her will, and now, she’s dived too deep in search for power and is now possessed. Go figure right? I’ll think of something more elaborate to write later.

Ok, a couple more things because I can’t be bothered to edit a post when it’s already pretty lengthy…

- xanga theme updated, FINALLY, go me
- xanga profile updated, not completely done, but hey
- I’m an intermediate internet user (see: net junkie), ok that’s not new but I’ve dived into the world of RSS feeds and StumbleUpon (see: distractions)
- this song is still too god damn catchy and cute for it’s own good.

Now I’m done… I think.

meh

Dang, if it was 28 weeks since my last post that would have made it so much fsking cooler. Oh well.

As of now, I’m just finishing up my second quarter over at BCC. Sure, I’m only taking two classes like last quarter but I think I learned a lot more about myself this time around. As per what I was planning, I took Japanese 102 and Drawing for Animation. The latter was an online class where you draw your shit and mail it in. I like to think I’m, “one of the smart kids” in my Japanese class. People ask me for help in class *squee*

Ok, I’m breaking my chain of thought to post this, go listen to this song. It’s so fucking catchy. A word of warning, it’s a flac. It’s a big file because it’s lossless so it sounds better.

Kay, now where was I… ah yes my lerningz. Initially, I was attending BCC with the intent of gaining my Digital Gaming AA and possibly transferring to DigiPen after that. However, for the last few weeks I’ve had another possibility in the back of my head and now I think I’m gonna go for it. One night during one of our Japanese quizzes (there were many lulz getting back on focus afterwards) a rep from Temple University came in and talked about the college. Since then I’ve been looking into majoring in Asian Studies. If I did, I’d be eventually working towards a Lib Arts BA. I’m quite aware of how much more work a change in my goals like this would take and I’d still like to drop in to speak with an advisor about it and what I can do now to prepare.

Why the change of heart? Well, how should I put it… I love gaming and all, but in reality it’s a hobby. Getting into the industry of making video games does require a certain creative flare… which I lack. I know a few people’ll argue that point but the right side of my brain just isn’t that strong haha. My drawing class, and the work I did (didn’t) do really drove the point home. It wasn’t a bad feeling, if anything I like it better this way. I’m more excited when I think of what’s coming down this path.

Back on hobbies… I still play my mage over on Uldaman, but I’ve started a new mage named Nevermind on Shattered Halls. It’s primarily for shits and giggles, but hey it’s fun.

~D out

ぼくははにゅう、どもします
ぼくのすがたはみえません….
God this song is catchy >_<

Well well well… 2008 is upon us. I’m not gonna go on with a big shlemeal or anything, just the part that matters.

I’d post the lyrics to that one song everyone sings during New Year’s but I duno the lyrics and I don’t wanna look em up. So with that…

“May all that you aspire and long for be yours. Happy New Year!”
~MoogleDee 2007

Well that was an interesting few weeks. Up then down, then way the fuck at the bottom, then back at a medium point which surprisingly left me at a really good mood. Too much shit to explain, but we’re back at a friend basis. It hurt being tossed aside and all, but what really hurt was losing a friend ya know? It was all difficult and awkward at work but today it was good. We work together again on Friday so hopefully we can smooth things out again. I’m also curious as to what she thought of the gift I got ‘er. I burned about $90 on it, so it had better be a damned good reaction. Well, more so then the money, I hunted that damn necklace down just for her.

Anyway yeah. Merry Christmas peeps.

YAY in one week I went from being on fucking cloud nine to the EXACT OPPOSITE. Time for drinking weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I’m just going to stop fucking trying to be happy yay!

Porkchop Sandwiches!!!!

Ok I just wanted to make a post with a different intro, anyway. This xanga is one of those things I keep meaning to do, but now I do actually have the time to do it, so yay. Besides, I dropped moolah for the lifetime account, I damn well better use it right? Hrm… where to start.

Well, as the title says, it’s winter break now woohooo! My last “class” was on the 12th, it was just basically arranged conferences with my english teacher to go in and talk about the last essay and current grades and yadda yadda. I’m very confident in my grade in Japanese 101, since I loved that class and I did very well. We had 3 major quizzes throughout the quarter, and I did poorest on the 3rd one at 100% hah. My final grade for english hasn’t been posted yet, meh. I either got a high B or a low A. There were a few days when I really didn’t feel like going and I missed out on class activites. Also, I kinda stopped caring about what I put in my essays after the 3rd one. One thing though, we had this beefy fucking book called The Worst Hard Time to read, at the end of the quarter there was an in-class essay test on it and I got a 42/50 for reading about 80 pages of the 300+ book. So hah!

Speaking of skipping class, one of the nights I skipped I found myself Seattle-fagging it up sitting in a Starbucks sipping my mocha and reading a book. Mind you, I’m not ashamed of it or anything, but it was just so stereotypical it was funny. I remembered one of my classmates saying great things about World War Z so I picked it up on a whim. Awesome book, and I highly recommend it to anyone. It’s kinda like the War of the Worlds broadcast, but a war of humanity vs zombies. You just have to read it to really get how cool it is. It’s from Max Brooks, the same author of the book I’m reading. *points up*

Let’s see what else… ah. One new thing that I am slightly ashamed of is that I’m rehooked on WoW. It all started with a coin toss and I’ll leave it at that. I dug the boxes outta the closet and reinstalled. There’s so much new fangled crap now but I got settled back in pretty fast. It’s like riding a bike. A bike that costs $15 a month. A bike that you just don’t wanna get off of. Oh, and it’s a blue bike. New UI yippee.

Also on the subject of WoW, thanks to a certain fish-loving hunter, I’ll probably resume that whole Ticky fan-fic thingy I’ve been working on all half-assed like. It started out more around the whole prospect of both my mage and my warlock, but cmon let’s face it, dark and evil is FAR more entertaining.

AND OMFG VIRUS SCANNER GO AWAY WHEN I’M DOING SOMETHING IMPORTANT GODDAMMIT! Kay it’s gone.

What am I missing… *checks old posts* Ah that. Well, nothing new on the situation with cool-coworker girl. In fact I haven’t talked to her in a few weeks. Well, she’s home from her classes for a few weeks to work while she’s on winter break too so I’ll be able to see her here and there. Most of the time though it’s a quick wave as I take over when she’s getting off though. Meh. Blah, thinking about this bullshit during this time of the year is just asking for a big fucking EMO sticker on my forehead. Excuse me while I go listen to some Fallout Boy. *gags*

Almost done now, if you’ve actually been reading this whole thing I commend you as my life is quite boring, just go look at the posts a year ago. Actually, don’t… you’ll probably get cancer. Holy shit I forgot what else I was going to type. OH YEAH! I treat my xanga too much like a freewrite… but it’s fun so fuck it. Anyway, winter quarter starts on the 2nd (hardly any time to recover from hangover, QQ) and I’ll be taking Japanese 102 and an online course on animation. Not sure how that’s gonna work out, but it’s one of the requirements of the Digital Gaming AA program. Yep, video games are a large part of my life and once I accepted that fact, I wanted to dive deeper into that world. Japanese is there because I love the culture (anime/manga lulz) and I’m really interested in learning it. Someday I’m going to take a trip to Tokyo. That’s going to freaking rock.

Why do I always get to nostalgic when I make one of these posts. I wonder. Oh well. Oh, I remembered something I wanted to jot down and remember because it’s important. It’s kind of the way I view life as a whole. There’s people who regret things they’ve done and people they’ve met. I think it’s kind of silly to do that. When you really think about it, everyone you’ve ever met and everything you’ve ever done all contribute to who you are today. Life isn’t easy, it’s not supposed to be, suck it up and go with the flow. Unless someone is pissing you off, then throw a fucking rock at em.

Now I’m done… I think. Whatever hah. G’nite!
~D