Figures. Of course she's going out with him now. Fuck. This is going to make it awkward to get my books back.

Christ, I can't believe I'm reduced to writing in this thing. It's mostly my own fault for not actually seeking someone else to talk to though. Crying for help on Face/Twit doesn't amount to anything but helpful words and advice. I'm just not in the right state of mind to accept any of it right now. Still though, I chucked down the $$ for a lifetime account so I better make use of it once and awhile at least.

It started out well enough, we were both kind of hesitant but hell, we ended up making out the first day we met face to face. We talked online for about a week before we actually decided to meet and after that, it just seemed like nothing could stop us. I imagine that's how it always starts though. Not to say I haven't had a relationship before, but this one was different in that: A) it wasn't online and B) it was mutual, none of this unrequited love nonsense. And I suppose C) we were both mature. Up till now I've never really had a serious relationship... if you could call it serious.

Augh, my mind is racing with things to say now.

We laughed, we had fun, we did this and that. We had a great deal of mutual respect for each other and we seemed to work through things fairly well. If there was a hiccup I'd say it was my inability to really talk things out about... well... anything until later when I've leveled out my head. It's a bad habit of mine to keep too much to myself. That was one of the reasons I was given as to why she left. There's other reasons, of course, but I'll get to that.

*brain fart*

It's only been two days since the break. I feel like I should be used to it by now. Problem with the way I do things is that I'm what my friend coined as, a serial monogamist. I've always approached love with a, "Give it your all, or nothing at all" attitude. Which leads me to coming on too heavy too quickly. In my defense though, she kissed me first and not the other way around. Part of that is what got me in this mess in the first place though. I used my favorite line from a manga, "forever and a day" and at first it was just charming and lovely but after awhile it started to dawn on her what it really meant. I think I scared her by making her think about forever. True, her mom always drilled into her with, "DON'T GET MARRIED AND DON'T HAVE CHILDREN" but I can't blame her mom for that.

Is that what I wanted? Maybe. Probably. We always joked about having a "practical" wedding where we'd reap the benefits of gifts in order to avoid paying for a $50 pan. That was the day we were wandering through the home section picking colors for rooms. The bedroom was going to be blue/white, kitchen red/black, bathroom gold/green and the living room would have been whatever we wanted it to be because it was going to be a mix of all the different stuff. We talked about moving in together a little too early now that I think of it. I think I only mentioned it once to my parents and then it spread out to the rest of the family. It was at a recent family function (Father's Day) but they all came to me and asked, "When are you going to bring her? When are you two moving in?" At the time it was nice to think about. My family wanted to learn more about her and they were excited for my sake. It's a nice feeling. The reality of the situation was that we had talked about it a few times and I had browsed a bit on Rent.com but the sad truth is we had no real plans. It was regarded with a "someday" air.

That was another thing that bugged her. I never seem to grow and move forward. True, I'm going at a pace in life a lot slower than some most of my peers. That's not to say I'm not making any progress though. True, I recently changed my program of study... AGAIN. At least this time though it's for something worthwhile and not a wishy-washy looking towards the future with burning eyes major (sorry to all the unemployed Lib A students out there) This is where I get to say it's not completely my fault though. I'm making progress, I'm moving forward but it felt like she couldn't see that. I'm not a huge change guy. I mentioned this to her before, but she wants too much too quickly. While that's how I feel about it, I can't help but feel a tinge of guilt that I've resorted to finger pointing. I just don't think it's fair to have expected so much of me. 

I got help from her, yes, but I helped myself too. It wasn't just because she had told me to do so, or because she drilled me about it numerous times. Of course I hated staying stagnant for that long. Of course I want to change. Problem is change isn't easy. I wasn't ready to change that fast but it's like I was being forced into it and I don't like it. That, and it's not fair to say that she did all the pushing for both of us. Before I get into the realm of nasty finger pointing again I'll just say that I'm not the only one who gets all lethargic on my days off. Change is not easy, nor is it fast. You have to think things through and weigh your options.

That's not the only problem she had with me, of course. There were times when I made decisions too quickly. Specifically, I made choices without enough time for her brain to fully process. That was how she worded it. Yes, part of that is true. The other part is that more often than not if I asked her for an opinion or to come up with some sort of conclusion I didn't get a straight answer. It got frustrating sometimes. It's hypocritical on my part, but indecisiveness bothers me.

It's not fair to say I'm incapable of discussing serious matters when I can't even get a straight answer about some things. Especially recently when I had to very carefully pick and choose my words. I don't like saying things that could potentially hurt others as it is, so it's hard for me to talk about things sometimes. For whatever dumb reason, I can communicate better on a keyboard than face to face. I think I'm too used to human interaction through a screen, as pathetic as it sounds. Though after a 2 yr long relationship online and now this I think I have a legit excuse. 

We met about once or twice a week sure, but a lot of our interaction took place over msn. I deleted all the pictures, removed contacts, wiped out whatever songs that were shared, even severed contact with people I met through her. That includes family. In hindsight it was a dumb idea. My reasoning behind it being that I need to do it in order to move on or I'll just keep poking in her life, or asking about her through her family, or secretly hoping she'll check up on me. She won't though. I know she won't. I hope she doesn't. I don't need that false hope in my mind. All day at work I've been going through various fantasies of people talking to her for my sake and making her come around to realize how silly she's been. I think my favorite of these was her showing up at my work, walking up to me, and kissing me right there in public. Shame though, PDA was never really her style, and she's more of a talking type than big and impressive actions.

It was an idea that wasn't her own, but she thinks a relationship should be two people who live independent of each other and co-exist in harmony without one weighing down the other. It was something to that degree, but I think I got the jist of it. I understand the concept, and on some levels I agree. I believe in a harsher reality though. Life is never that perfect; it's not supposed to be. With no challenge there is no progress, no evolution. It's my fault for not seeing any previous signs, but it's her fault for not talking about them too. All of this, everything that she found wrong all came down on me within the last 4 weeks. Two weeks were spent in tentative happiness. One week was spent on ice. And the last week was spent where she decided that we needed a break and she would think for herself if this relationship was really the best thing for her.

One week of purgatory. I'm over-dramatizing this; I know I am.

Call it idle whining of a little boy who just got something he loved taken away, I just don't think it's fair to abruptly break it off without trying to work it out. That, or maybe we really aren't compatible. If so, then what the fuck were those 8 months for. I don't get it. We both did some stupid things, but I thought that this (read everything above again) was stuff that most couples go through... isn't it? The people around me who care are trying so hard. I appreciate each and every one of them but I'm not ready to accept help yet. I can't accept the break, how can I accept help to deal with the break?

It's easier if I just assume it was the other guy. I never did get an appropriate response when I asked her what does he mean to her. After what happened she just wanted to be friends with him. Now that we're not an item I wonder if his presence has anything to do with her decision. I suppose I can get all suspicious if I want to but I have good reason to do so damnit. I told him that now I can't do so myself, that he has to make sure she's happy. He said he would, and that he would support her. He's still just "the other guy" to me, but I can't hate him for at least giving me a response. I sent off a message to her dad too, something along the lines of the reason why I de-friended the entire family on Facebook and how I'm going to miss the family. No response from him, but I know he at least read it. That's good enough for me.

All these things... I want to convey to her... but I know I can't. It's not fair to throw it all back in her face when she's made her decision. Right? During my week in purgatory I told myself and I had faith that whatever choice she made that it would be what's best for her and in her best interest. She made the right choice. I have to believe that. I'm only on my second day after the break up and I still can't come to terms with it. I guess in the end we wanted different things out of the relationship. I think I wanted something more than a fling. I know she thought it was more than a fling too, but she didn't want it to go any further than that, I think.

I think I'm done now. If I keep going I'll just end up repeating myself.

Well I figured it out. I can't talk about this with anyone face to face because if I do I just lose it. The tears aren't stopping. Make them stop

Music helps